Top 5 Toys

After seeing Toy Story 5 (better than the last one, though that’s not saying much, and not as good as the first three, but I wasn’t expecting it to be) and Masters of the Universe (better than the first movie from the ‘80s, but that was a very low bar to clear) in theaters recently, it got me thinking back on my favorite toys I grew up with, so here are my personal Top 5 favorite toys. I should note that these aren’t the best toys of all time. I’m an ‘80s/early ‘90s guy, so that’s the era I’m drawing from. Now, in no order, onto the list:

He-Man

Let’s start with the aforementioned super masculine, super muscular, be-all-and-end-all of action figures. He-Man and his heroic friends like Teela, Orko, Mekaneck, Roboto, She-Ra, and Man-at-Arms weren’t the real draw for me (all of whom make an appearance in the new movie, btw—Spoiler!); I was really into the villains. Like Batman, the He-Man toy line had a murderer’s row of classic enemies. Just look at this list: Skeletor, Beast Man, Tri-Klops, Mer-Man, and, my personal favorite, Trap Jaw, a cross between a pirate, monster, and robot. And I haven’t even mentioned the treacherous Snake Men (my favorite was the giant snake who disguised himself as a human) or the Evil Horde. Yes, He-Man had so many foes, there was an extended line of figures just to fill them out. I’d even argue that Hordak was just as fearsome a foe as Skeletor. (Okay, maybe that’s going too far.)

On a personal sidenote, I still have a bitter taste in my mouth when it comes to this toy line, because I entered a kiddie contest to design a new opponent for He-Man. I decided to make a hairy monster with red eyes, fangs, and retractable claws. I named him “Monstor.” After sending in my drawings with helpful diagrams pointing out his features, I waited for a response. And waited. And waited. Months later, I received a fairly large package in the mail from Mattel. I was overjoyed, thinking I won, but when I opened it up, I discovered it was just a He-Man magnet and a letter thanking me for my contribution, but I was merely a runner-up in the contest, and they decided to go in another direction for He-Man’s new villain. That was bad enough, but the reason why I’m still sore is because months later, He-Man got a new enemy, and it was a fuzzy monster with red eyes, fangs, and claws, though they didn’t retract. (I guess that feature was too expensive to mass produce.) His name? Grizzlor. Wow, that sounds an awful lot like Monstor. Where’s my residual check, Mattel?

Side-side note about He-Man: A year or so after I was done playing with He-Man, my Uncle gave me a large, rectangular box for my birthday. Before I opened it up, he took me aside and told me, “Michael, if you don’t like the gift, I can always return it.” I saw how nervous he was, so to calm him down, I said, “Don’t worry. I’m sure it’s fine. As long as it’s not—” and I said the first toy that came to mind: “He-Man.” I knew it couldn’t possibly be He-Man because the box was too flat, so it wouldn’t fit a figure or a playset from that toy line. After I peeled off the wrapping paper, I saw it was indeed a box from a clothing store. Then I opened it up and saw a gray sweatshirt…with a large, puffy picture of He-Man dead center. Needless to say, I wanted to crawl inside that box.

The Transformers

I remember being amazed when I discovered how the Transformers got their name. “You mean to tell me it’s a toy that can turn into another toy?” We really were spoiled in the ‘80s. Of course, the cartoon was awesome (and, let’s face it, it was clearly designed just to sell the toys), but the toys were awesomer, if you allow me to mangle English. Mastering the transition of these toys from robots to vehicles was the difference between a kid and an adult. No, really. I remember handing my perplexed uncle one of my Transformers at a birthday party because he wanted to try his hand at changing it, and in the process, he almost broke it. I snatched it from him and quickly rearranged the toy until it was a car, like a funky Rubik’s Cube, and he looked at me astonished, as if I were David Copperfield. I remember laughing about it then, like, “How can these adults not understand how to change these toys? It’s so easy!” Flashforward to now when my kids are trying to explain to me what a Vocaloid is, and I am completely lost. I was way into Transformers until, of course, the motion picture swooped in and killed off all the G1 characters like an animated red wedding, including everyone’s beloved leader, Optimus Prime. And again, this was just a cynical tactic on Hasbro’s part to sell another line of Transformers, but for a few glorious years, my Transformers and I were more than meets the eye.

G.I. Joe

Instead of going into detail about these military figures, I’ll tell you a tale about one afternoon when I was playing with them in my childhood bedroom. It’s basically the origin story of how I started viewing myself as a storyteller. One day, I decided that Cobra Commander would plant a spy in the Joe organization. So I had this character infiltrate their base to learn their secrets (I think I used Snake Eyes as the spy, even though he was already a certified Joe), but eventually, he became friends with them, particularly the sailor guy Shipwreck, who was one of my favorites. He ends up being found out by Shipwreck that he’s a spy, but instead of killing him, he lets him go out of mercy. Cobra Commander discovers that the spy failed and kicks him out of the Cobra organization. Later, Cobra Commander attacks the G.I. Joe base with his whole army, and at one point, the Cobra’s tank was pushing Shipwreck’s jeep over a cliff, which was just the edge of my bed. I remember I literally stopped playing and thought, “How the heck is he going to get out of this?” Then it hit me. The spy comes back by making a surprise appearance in his car and pushes the Cobra tank away, saving his friend Shipwreck. Having become a Cobra turncoat, he joins the Joes to defeat the rest of the Cobras, and they retreat. I remember after I came up with that scenario, I thought to myself, “Hey, that was a pretty good story! And I came up with it all by myself!” Little Mikey was proud that day.

The Real Ghostbusters

This may be my favorite toy line of all time. I had everything. And I mean everything. All four Ghostbusters. Their alternate versions in different jumpsuits. Tons of ghost and monster figures. Buckets of slime. The ECTO-1 ambulance (still one of my favorite Christmas gifts of all time—see an earlier blog). The giant firehouse headquarters. The proton pack wall projector (still works, btw). The 3D boardgame. The Colorforms. EVERYTHING. I was all about the cartoon show and modeled my playing on various episodes, especially Egon’s fear of the Boogie Man. (I always thought that was a great idea explaining how Egon got into the paranormal.) Which is why it was disappointing when my sister and I raced to the theater to see Ghostbusters II, only to find out it was basically a retread of the first movie, except not as funny or exciting. Oh well. Back to the toys I went.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

I’ve told this story before in another blog, but it bears repeating. I remember when I was first introduced to this weird quartet of supersized turtles by the young sons of my grandmother’s neighbor. I couldn’t keep track of which Renaissance artist’s name went with which turtle. I had no idea who used a bo staff and who used a katana blade. And what exactly is a sai anyway? Now I have all those stats memorized. One of the great things about this line of toys was that they were so weird. I think we tend to forget how bizarre the designs were when they first came out (it’s one of the reasons all the major toy brands passed on the license, and it went to the little known Playmates), especially the extended line of figures, like Mondo Gecko and, a personal fave, Mutagen Man, which mostly looked like a guy who was melting. In other words, they were like toys designed by David Cronenberg. One regret is that I never got a vehicle to go with all my Turtle figures. I had vehicles for every other toy line, including The Real Ghostbusters and G.I. Joe, and the Transformers themselves were essentially their own vehicles, but I never got one for the Turtles, not even their famous Party Wagon. (I have since corrected this oversight as an adult collector, buying both the original version at a retro shop and the new version from Amazon still in its box, where it will remain.) TMNT will always hold a special place in my heart because it was the last toy line I played with. (It was the early ‘90s, after all.) After those goofy Turtles, I put all my toys away safely into my toybox—until decades later when I started collecting them as an adult.

Honorable Mentions:

Star Wars

I know most toy fanboys from the ‘80s will cry foul for not including the classic Kenner line of Star Wars toys on the proper list, but I was a little too young to truly get into these toys, especially the first two movies, though I distinctly remember one birthday getting a Hoth playset with the big cannon from The Empire Strikes Back—what Family Guy crudely referred to as the “giant boob nipple gun” in their parody. Also, I’m just going to say what everyone is secretly thinking: those figures were just so small! You could easily lose them in a couch cushion, and I did—many, many times. I mean, I get it, they have to fit inside the vehicles and playsets, and if Han Solo was the size of He-Man, the Millennium Falcon would take up your entire living room. (The AT-AT walker was already legendary for being ginormous.) Still, I have fond memories playing with these toys with my late brother, especially the plastic lightsabers that we used to slap against each other. And that Darth Vader carrying case was cool. If you sported it in elementary school, you were the king of the playground.

MASK

MASK, which stood for Mobile Armored Strike Kommand (they cheated on that last word), was basically a combination of G.I. Joe and the Transformers. The figures were small like G.I. Joe, and their vehicles changed like the Transformers, but instead of turning into robots, they just became superpowered, like adding wings, guns, and other weapons. My brother and I had most of the vehicles, and I even got the Boulder Hill gas station headquarters, which eventually became a playset for my Dad’s model train to drive through in our basement. And of course, if you saw the cartoon show even once, that killer theme song is still living rent free in your head.

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In other MTP news, I have a signing this Saturday, July 18, at Muni’s Coffee Joint in Lindenhurst, NY, from 10 a.m. to 1 p.m. This is a rare solo signing for me, and it’s also my first signing at a coffee shop. How’ll it go? I guess we’ll find out! So come for good coffee and books, or just come to hang out and tell me how disappointed you were in one of my stories in The Electric God. Here’s a little video about the shop from News 12, my local news station:

Hope to see you guys there!

MTP

P.S.: Next week’s blog: Top 10 Golden Oldies

P.P.S.: The Danger Peak audiobook is now available!

P.P.P.S.: The new edition of The Electric God and Other Shorts is available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble: