If you’ve done book signings as long as I have—which, admittedly, is not that long—you begin to see a pattern in the people who attend. When I first had a signing, I thought I would run into a lot of people hungry for their next read and excited to meet me. I was wrong. Over the years, I’ve broken down the basic archetypes of people who attend my signings, and they fall into one of five unique categories. Want to know what they are? I’m so glad you asked!
1. The Chatterbox
This is a person who can’t wait to unload their soul. They will tell you their life story and go on and on for 10 to 15 minutes. I’m not kidding. After patiently listening to their tales and politely nodding your head, you’d think the least they could do is buy one of your books. You’d be wrong. In fact, these people usually don’t buy a book, but they’re happy to move onto the next author’s table and spill their guts out, rehashing their same story over and over again. Why do they do it? Loneliness, I guess. After all, when you’re at a craft fair or group author signing stuck behind your table for hours on end, you’re a captive audience.
2. The Would-Be Author
Similar to the category above, this person will talk your ear off, but they’re actually worse than the Chatterbox. You see, they’re in the writing biz too, and they just can’t wait to tell you about their upcoming novel! It defies genre conventions and is a cross between Dickens and Harry Potter, and you’re just going to love it! Oh, it’s not out yet, but it’s sure to be a bestseller, and you should definitely buy a copy as soon as it’s released, which should be any day now! What? You think they’re going to buy a copy of YOUR book at YOUR signing? How naïve! Anyway, here’s their card. Be sure to look up their website with their totally real, coming-any-day-now book. Tootles!
3. The Enigma
I can’t tell you how many times I tried pitching one of my books to a passerby, and they respond with, “Oh, I don’t read.” I want to reply, “Then what the hell are you doing at a BOOK SIGNING?” But, of course, I hold my tongue. Us “literary elites” need to keep up appearances, after all. These people are otherwise known as, “I’m just here for the food.”
4. The Disappearing Act
These are people who stop by your table, peruse your books, and seem genuinely interested in making a purchase. They will literally say the words, “This looks very interesting,” or, “This is right up my alley.” Then the dreaded line: “Tell you what. I’m going to make my way around this fair/signing, and I’ll come back to you.” Needless to say, you will never see them again. I once literally had a young woman approach my table, point to my books, and ask, “Is this YA?” And, as you may know, I DO happen to write YA. She went through all my books and said she couldn’t decide between Déjà View and The Electric God and Other Shorts. I made a joke and asked, “Why not get both?” and she politely laughed and said, “Nah, I’m just going to get one.” I replied, “That’s fine. Which one?” And she answered, “I’m getting Déjà View.” I said “Great! Would you like that signed?” Then, from out of the blue, she told me she’d get back to me and took off. Meanwhile, she was the one who approached me. She was the one who was looking for the very literary genre I write. She told me how much she liked the summary/hook of a few of my books. And she literally had my book in her hands, when she suddenly had a change of heart, Invasion of the Body Snatchers style, and disappeared. Why? I’ll never know. She never came back for me to ask. My friend told me that if it happens again, I should tell these people that if they buy my book now, I’ll take off two bucks, but first of all, I already sell my books at a discount at signings; I’d literally be losing money if I did that. Secondly, I’m not a marketing guy, and making that kind of power move just seems cheesy to me. This doesn’t mean I’m not going to try it one day.
5. An Actual Fan
At last, here is someone who actually likes to read and, yes, came to a signing to see you. This is an extremely rare find. Of all the signings I’ve done over the years, I can count on one hand how many people came to specifically see me and buy one of my books (not counting friends and family). Of course, I’m always flattered, and I never take them for granted. (See the first four categories of book-signing attendees.) Hopefully, one day I’ll be able to use my other hand (and both feet) when counting how many actual fans show up to one of my signings. But seriously, bless you all. You make this harsh biz worth it.
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And speaking of signings, I have another one coming up this Saturday, June 20th for Kings Park Day at 2 East Main Street in (where else?) Kings Park, NY. The town is closing down the streets for their annual craft fair from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. I’ll be signing discounted copies of Danger Peak, Déjà View, and The Electric God and Other Shorts. There’ll be food trucks, musicians, and over 100 craft vendors, so come, have fun, and pick up a last-minute Father’s Day gift. (It’s the following day!) For more info, check out the flyer below:
And please, if you come, try not to be one of the first four types I listed above. Thanks!
MTP
P.S.: Next blog: A Surprise!
P.P.S.: The Danger Peak audiobook is now available!
P.P.P.S.: The new edition of The Electric God and Other Shorts is available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble:
Michael Thomas Perone 